But you know, after games like Sunset Overdrive and Sacred 3, very deliberately not trying to be funny I'm willing to count as a virtue.Īnd I did like the story element. But Talos Principle lacks two things that I would argue are absolutely central to Portal's identity: it doesn't have an innovative central game mechanic around which all else is based, and it has absolutely no sense of humour. I mean, just because we're being herded through dangerous puzzle by a redoubtable disembodied voice for what is heavily implied to be some kind of behavioural experiment - OK, maybe it's a bit like Portal. First person puzzlers existed before Portal, did you know? You can make one with having to bow towards Bellevue. I've heard some people compare this game to Portal, 'cause that's the only point of reference these fucking Millennials seem to have. But as to who or what we are and why we're here, we have to piece that together from, all together now, random documents and audio logs. The occasional deliberate texture fuckup (at least I assume they were deliberate, Croteam, winky winky!) leads us to conclude early on that we are inside some kind of simulation. It's like when your parents used to make you sit in the garden and untangle the Christmas lights and whenever you finished one, you were allowed to come in and watch one episode of The Prisoner. You are an unknown consciousness that wakes up in an unknown garden where an unknown intelligence forces you to complete puzzles for an unknown reason. The look's fairly unmistakeable with the ancient ruins and bright, contrasting sunlight, and impressive skyboxes they didn't bother to fence off, in case anyone wants to explore a repeating sand texture for 20 minutes instead of the actual level where stuff happens, although you do get frogmarched back if you venture too far, which is kind of in keeping with the theme. No really, Croteam went and made a philosophical puzzle game, and it's called The Talos Principle, which is the kind of title that if you saw it on the board outside a cinema, your gaze would immediately ricochet off onto Transformers 9: Even Larger Stuff Breaking.īut dull title aside, you can really tell it's a Croteam game. So naturally I spent most of a fortnight playing a game by the developers of Serious Sam. I wanna play something calm, slow-paced and contemplative. I'm not in the right mood for confusing fast-paced spectacle in a clashing rainbow of vibrant bubblegum colours that make me throw up a veritable landslide of Ferrero Rocher.
And what better way to greet the newly-birthed 2015 than to spin on our heel 180 degrees and review the last few things from 2014, still dangling off it like poo out of a fish's arse? And no, I still don't mean Smash Brothers! The Christmas break for me is a time for relaxing, using troughs and conveyor belts as dining utensils and getting completely bombed out of my skull on Cocksucking Cowboys. We're all holidayed out and got a fresh, new year ahead of us. Welp, it's cocks back on on the old grindstone, I suppose.
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